Life of Jesus
The Secret Life of Jesus #917
Jun 30 2011 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #917
Jesus decided to see a shrink.
He was having flashbacks
And bad dreams, and thought
He might have PTSD.
The shrink used hypnosis
To unlock repressed memories
Of long ago trauma,
Filled with suffering
And the wickedness of God.
It shed some light
On his addiction to love
And his wrath
In the face of evil.
Jesus thanked the shrink
And decided it might be time
To pay his Father a visit.
Jesus decided to see a shrink.
He was having flashbacks
And bad dreams, and thought
He might have PTSD.
The shrink used hypnosis
To unlock repressed memories
Of long ago trauma,
Filled with suffering
And the wickedness of God.
It shed some light
On his addiction to love
And his wrath
In the face of evil.
Jesus thanked the shrink
And decided it might be time
To pay his Father a visit.
The Secret Life of Jesus #461
Jun 30 2011 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #461
Jesus was hurting,
Dying for his Father’s sins.
His mind wished
He was far in the future,
Lying on a gurney,
Drifting off into
A less gruesome death.
But our parents have
Plans for us
Just as his Father
Had plans for Jesus.
After all, if a father
Can’t make plans for his Son,
Then what’s a father for?
Jesus was hurting,
Dying for his Father’s sins.
His mind wished
He was far in the future,
Lying on a gurney,
Drifting off into
A less gruesome death.
But our parents have
Plans for us
Just as his Father
Had plans for Jesus.
After all, if a father
Can’t make plans for his Son,
Then what’s a father for?
The Secret Life of Jesus #585
Jun 03 2011 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #585
Mary kept this scrapbook
Under her bed,
Full of clippings and remembrances,
Of Jesus’ early years.
He found her reading it one day.
There were pictures of Himself as a kid,
Riding a donkey, having a good time
At the wedding feast in Canaan.
Newspaper articles about
The commotion he caused
On one of his visits
To the temple.
A lock of his hair.
“How come you never showed me this?”
Jesus said. And Mary just smiled.
“I was saving it until you got older,” she said.
You’ll appreciate it
When you’re an old man.
Mary kept this scrapbook
Under her bed,
Full of clippings and remembrances,
Of Jesus’ early years.
He found her reading it one day.
There were pictures of Himself as a kid,
Riding a donkey, having a good time
At the wedding feast in Canaan.
Newspaper articles about
The commotion he caused
On one of his visits
To the temple.
A lock of his hair.
“How come you never showed me this?”
Jesus said. And Mary just smiled.
“I was saving it until you got older,” she said.
You’ll appreciate it
When you’re an old man.
The Secret Life of Jesus #657
Jun 03 2011 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #657
When Jesus was in his twenties
His friends were all getting tattoos,
So one day, after too much wine,
When He had a bit of the devil in him,
He decided to get one Himself.
There were so many choices,
He had trouble selecting a design.
Something discrete, He thought,
Maybe a tiny
Star of David.
But the man at the tattoo parlor
Told him to go home.
“You’d just regret it,”
The tat man said,
“If you ever decided
To change your religion.”
When Jesus was in his twenties
His friends were all getting tattoos,
So one day, after too much wine,
When He had a bit of the devil in him,
He decided to get one Himself.
There were so many choices,
He had trouble selecting a design.
Something discrete, He thought,
Maybe a tiny
Star of David.
But the man at the tattoo parlor
Told him to go home.
“You’d just regret it,”
The tat man said,
“If you ever decided
To change your religion.”
The Secret Life of Jesus #972
Mar 21 2011 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #972
Jesus had a friend
Who loved to be the first
Kid on the block
To have everything.
So when he waved Jesus over
To see his new iPhone,
Jesus just smiled
And listened to his friend
Explain his latest toy.
But he winced as his friend
Showed him the new app
That was a teleprompter.
For going to confession.
Jesus could not believe
That anyone would spend
Good money to be reminded
Of their sins.
Jesus had a friend
Who loved to be the first
Kid on the block
To have everything.
So when he waved Jesus over
To see his new iPhone,
Jesus just smiled
And listened to his friend
Explain his latest toy.
But he winced as his friend
Showed him the new app
That was a teleprompter.
For going to confession.
Jesus could not believe
That anyone would spend
Good money to be reminded
Of their sins.
The Secret Life of Jesus #635
Mar 21 2011 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #635
Jesus decided to give up drinking,
But he was having a hard time.
Mary was no help,
Dragging him off to weddings,
Asking him to make wine
All the time, hoping
He would meet a nice girl.
Saying no to your mother
Would take a miracle,
Jesus said to himself.
It was easier
To keep drinking.
Jesus decided to give up drinking,
But he was having a hard time.
Mary was no help,
Dragging him off to weddings,
Asking him to make wine
All the time, hoping
He would meet a nice girl.
Saying no to your mother
Would take a miracle,
Jesus said to himself.
It was easier
To keep drinking.
The Secret Life of Jesus #375
Jan 30 2011 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #375
The prom was coming up,
And Jesus didn’t have date.
What he did have
Was acne.
He could have
Done something about it,
But he wanted to fit in.
His sister offered to go
To the prom with him,
But he declined.
He went to the prom alone,
And all the girls danced with him,
As if by some miracle,
Like bees
Around a honey jar.
The prom was coming up,
And Jesus didn’t have date.
What he did have
Was acne.
He could have
Done something about it,
But he wanted to fit in.
His sister offered to go
To the prom with him,
But he declined.
He went to the prom alone,
And all the girls danced with him,
As if by some miracle,
Like bees
Around a honey jar.
The Secret Life of Jesus #564
Jan 30 2011 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #564
Jesus had a terrible headache,
It felt like somebody
Was pounding nails into him.
He tried to smile
As people reached out
To touch his robe.
They had come a long way
To see him.
But the nails kept pounding,
And the people kept coming,
And he knew his headaches
Were just beginning.
Jesus had a terrible headache,
It felt like somebody
Was pounding nails into him.
He tried to smile
As people reached out
To touch his robe.
They had come a long way
To see him.
But the nails kept pounding,
And the people kept coming,
And he knew his headaches
Were just beginning.
The Secret Life of Jesus #383
Aug 29 2010 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #383
When Jesus turned 28
(In the year 29)
He went to his 10th
High School reunion.
It felt really weird.
He had a beard by then,
And suffered through tales
Of romance and success.
Magdelene still
Had the hots for him,
And Judas seemed to have lost
A lot of money at cards.
Somebody dragged out
A yearbook, And there he was
In the class photo,
The tall one near the end
In the back row
Desperate to get out
Of Nazareth.
He was still
Living at home,
And when they asked
If they’d see him in ten years
At the next reunion,
He said “probably not.”
When Jesus turned 28
(In the year 29)
He went to his 10th
High School reunion.
It felt really weird.
He had a beard by then,
And suffered through tales
Of romance and success.
Magdelene still
Had the hots for him,
And Judas seemed to have lost
A lot of money at cards.
Somebody dragged out
A yearbook, And there he was
In the class photo,
The tall one near the end
In the back row
Desperate to get out
Of Nazareth.
He was still
Living at home,
And when they asked
If they’d see him in ten years
At the next reunion,
He said “probably not.”
The Secret Life of Jesus #688
Aug 29 2010 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #688
Jesus was ready
For a vacation,
So he walked across the lake,
To check out the other side.
The beach was filled
With American tourists,
Lush women with hard faces,
And men with great tans
And silver sunglasses.
They didn’t pay
A bit of attention
When He came ashore,
Which was fine with Him.
He knew he would meet them later
When the sun went down.
Jesus was ready
For a vacation,
So he walked across the lake,
To check out the other side.
The beach was filled
With American tourists,
Lush women with hard faces,
And men with great tans
And silver sunglasses.
They didn’t pay
A bit of attention
When He came ashore,
Which was fine with Him.
He knew he would meet them later
When the sun went down.
The Secret Life of Jesus #257
Oct 28 2010 Filed in: Jims Poems
The Secret Life of Jesus #257
When Jesus was a boy
He liked to play hide and seek.
“Have you found Jesus?”
His playmates would shout out
To one another
While Jesus floated on a cloud
Staring down at them.
Just when the kids
Were getting tired of the game
Jesus would reappear
From out of nowhere.
“I found Jesus, I found Jesus,”
The children would cry.
As Jesus smiled
And said to them,
“Let’s play again.”
When Jesus was a boy
He liked to play hide and seek.
“Have you found Jesus?”
His playmates would shout out
To one another
While Jesus floated on a cloud
Staring down at them.
Just when the kids
Were getting tired of the game
Jesus would reappear
From out of nowhere.
“I found Jesus, I found Jesus,”
The children would cry.
As Jesus smiled
And said to them,
“Let’s play again.”